So I caved and joined a spin class to attempt to minimize my hind quarters.  It’s been pretty fun, definitely keeping me motivated to really challenge myself.  I really encourage anyone who is reading this blog to go and try it.  To prepare you for the zen of spin class, I have recorded this morning’s class in my pages.  Enjoy!

A mellow song with a steady beat plays softly in the background.  The fan spins lazily above us.  The teacher is dressed in tight spandex pants with her hair long, giving her an even thinner and wispier look. Just seeing her makes me imagine how I will look after three months of this class.  She smiles warmly at all of us, and prepares us for our workout by giving us a comforting mental picture of where we could be cycling.

“It’s a crisp, cloudless day.  The birds are singing, the ocean mist is on your face.  You’re climbing up a steep hill.  The wind is whistling through the trees on your left.  And to the right, the waves are crashing against the sand.”  

I close my eyes and let her words take me there, imagining the ocean pushing forward and pulling back.  I can almost feel the wind blowing through my hair.  

“You maneuver into the sand.  Seagulls scatter as you make your way across the smooth surface, breaking it with the tread of your tire.”  

I’m there.  I’m so there.  

“You move your bike from the wet sand into the dry sand.  It’s getting a little tougher to maneuver your bike.  Give the dial a little crank to give yourself some pull.”  

Um, ok…  

“You move to where the sands are pure white, and are faced with a sandy hill.  Give your dial another good crank.”  

Uh, I don’t think….um, ok.  But just a little.  

“You see a huge hill, and ready for the challenge, you want to sprint up it!  Give your dial a huge crank, stand up, and sprint as fast as you can up that hill.”  

Are you friggin nuts???

“Ok sit and cycle for 30 seconds.”

Thank God.

“Get ready, soon we’re going to stand and cycle for 8 counts, then sit and cycle for 8 counts.  We’ll repeat this for 3 minutes.”

Oh lady, if I had the energy in my legs, I’d get off this bike and pummel you.

“Get ready, get set, now stand!”

Seriously.  Pummel you to a pulp.

“5, 6, 7, 8.  Now sit!”

So.  Tired.

“5, 6, 7, 8. Now stand!  Crank that dial even more!  I want you at 80%!  5, 6, 7, 8, now sit!”

I want to know where my peaceful beach went.  This is hell.

“5, 6, 7, 8, now stand!  Peddle harder!  Peddle as if you were being chased by the hounds of hell!”

What?!?

“That’s right, you better go faster.  You think this is hell?  If you don’t go fast enough, you’ll find out what hell is really like.”

Holy *&#$, this is not what I signed up for!  

“Double time!  1, 2, 3, 4, stand!  1, 2, 3, 4, sit!  Keep going!  You’re looking awesome!”

Well, even if I am sweaty, I DO look pretty good doing this.

“Everyone except you.”

Wow, glad I’m not her.

“You in the gray tank top.”

Oh, crap, it is me.

“Crank that dial and pick up the pace or I’ll whip you-”

WHAT?!?

“-into shape.”

Oh.

“By beating the *#%& out of you.”

Seriously, this is not what I signed up for.

“There’s a race up ahead, let’s join them.”

Can’t I just watch?

“Sprint for 90 seconds, starting now.”

I. Cannot.  Go.  Any.  Further.

“Keep going, you’re looking great!”

I think my heart just fell out of my –

“As usual, peddle faster.  Only 30 more seconds!  I can see the finish line!”

Please, just leave me here.  Go on without me.

“Gray tank top, you better start pedaling faster if you know what’s good for you!”

(The next several thoughts have been censored out of this blog)

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1!  Congratulations!  You made it!  Slow your cycles down, the race is over. Well done!”

It’s over?  Already?  That wasn’t so bad.

“After stretches, anyone who would like to can stay behind to do ab exercises.”

Uh, yeah, that’s a hell no.

Have you seen my legs?  Return them to winecountrymom@winecountrymom.com.