The kids have been asking for a dog for awhile now, absolutely obsessing about it. My friend went away for the weekend, leaving me and my kids with the opportunity of being in charge of her 5 month old German Shepherd puppy. Caring for her puppy also included a key to her spacious one story townhouse, complete with a view of the beautiful trellis covered garden, many new DVDs on the table to watch, and cable television with TiVo. The house was clean and full of light from the skylights. She made it clear to help ourselves to any food we could find. And as we enjoyed our new surroundings with no laundry piled up or being squished on top of each other in a cramped condo, I realized something that I’d realized many times before…..

I will never get a dog.

Ok, don’t get me wrong. My friend’s puppy is very cute. And while puppies are a lot of work, I am aware that they do grow up to be calm and practical dogs if raised right. And this will be no different with this dog as well cared for as she is. But that’s not now…..

The very first day the puppy was still getting used to my kids. That means that she still viewed them as puppies that walked on two legs. And that meant lots of rough playing on her part. But she calmed down eventually, and I think my 6 year old son managed to wear her out completely. The second day is when things got interesting, because it rained that day. And she was outside when we got there to feed her and keep her company. And she was a muddy mess. And for some reason, cleaning a wriggly full size puppy dog is a lot like rolling around in the mud yourself. Except in this version you also get nipped at, pawed at, jumped on, fur in the mouth, a lovely scent of eau de dog…. I think it took 30 minutes, but she finally was clean enough. Or I just stopped caring. I don’t remember, it was one of the two.

We quickly learned that anything left on the ground became the dog’s. This was discovered after picking up bits of paper that the puppy had only half ingested. The kids wouldn’t even bring their toys in the house for fear of losing them to the puppy’s sharp teeth (now that I think of it, this was kind of a bonus, and an actual positive reason for getting a dog. I’ve never seen those kids so meticulous in keeping the house clean). I can’t tell you how many times that puppy had something hanging out of its mouth. She would then tilt her head to the side as if to say, “I’d love to see you do something about this,” and then she’d run off as soon as I got within inches of her. She’d eventually let me catch her, but only after she had swallowed whatever it was, or realized that the sock she stole from my son actually didn’t taste as good after he had worn them for 5 days in a row.

Speaking of socks, none were sacred. They were all her play toys, even if they were on our feet. Well, not my feet. I think the look in my eye told her, “Touch my feet and you’ll see just how quick you’ll land yourself outside in the cold.” But my poor son had to guard his feet from the nipping puppy until he finally just took off his socks. The puppy still managed to get a hold of one. Just this weekend I had taught her “drop”, as in “drop the ball”. She caught on quick. She also caught on that a sock is not a ball, and therefore is not part of that game. Every time I said drop, that sock inched its way a little deeper into her mouth. She almost seemed to be laughing at me as I finally pried open her jaw and retrieved the stinky wet sock. And now it had dog drool on it to boot.

To top things off, this is not just a 5 month old German Shepherd puppy. This is a 5 month old German Shepherd puppy that lives in the Wine Country. Now, I am not a dog breeder. Heck, I am admittedly not a dog person. But I always considered myself as pretty knowledgeable about what a dog eats. They eat dog food. It comes in a can. The can is opened with a can opener. Then the can is held upside down for about an hour despite any shaking to hurry the process. When it finally plops into the bowl, it is cold and covered with congealed fat, and it looks and smells completely unappetizing. And it only sits in the bowl for about 3 seconds flat because your dog will inhale it like it was the best food on earth, wagging its tail for more when it’s done.

Wine Country Pampered Pup does not eat dog food. Ok, to be fair it has some dog food in it, like a teaspoon of congealed crud. But the rest of it is hardboiled eggs and cottage cheese. See, when I eat cottage cheese in the morning, I never knew I was eating dog food. But apparently I am. The funny thing is, whenever I made this food for the puppy, it took her awhile to actually eat it. I would say in my most convincing “I love dogs” voice, “Time to eat!” She’d lie down on the floor and look up at me as if to say, “Let me know when you’re serving real dog food.” And only when she realized that this was it, she’d look at me with disgust then dive into her three course meal of grossness.

My friend came back today, just as the little pooch was growing on me. Thank God, she came back just in time! I think the kids are cured slightly of their getting a dog obsession. Ah, who am I kidding, they still want a dog. Too bad my lease won’t allow it. Yeah, too bad.

If you want to preview my thank you note to my landlord, email me at winecountrymom@winecountrymom.com.